*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
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New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
When someone trying to leave me
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
constantly working on myself.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?