*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
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The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move