Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
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*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I have questions??
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…