Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
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Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I’ve had relationships like this
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”