Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
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*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
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Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.