Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
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– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Perfection.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.