Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
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MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
This squirrel eats better than I do
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them