Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
You Might Also Like
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.