Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
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How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Not my job 😂
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?