walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
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[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I have two kinds of followers
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon