When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
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hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
wow
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are