In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
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Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say