the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
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wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101