I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
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Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.