Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
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Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation