If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
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Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
There’s no “u” in narcissist
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today