My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
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*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.