Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
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I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.