Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
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I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories