The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
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If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Oh we’ve met.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Stop it! 😂
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.