Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
You Might Also Like
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
podcasts
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”