CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
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Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I enjoy a good short stor
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?