Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
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If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…