Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
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When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Not messing around
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Good morning.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?