[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
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Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead