“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
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There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
#Caturday
May your day taste like creamy soup.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Matt Goss
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.