My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
hear me out : pockets for your socks
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever