Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
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I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads