Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
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Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you