don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
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If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)