[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
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God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Salad is the decaf of food.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*