Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
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Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
#Caturday
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.