I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
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If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.