The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
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Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much