be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
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Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan