I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
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The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Are these grass-fed oranges?
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I put the mess in domestic.