If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
You Might Also Like
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through