JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
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If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in