I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
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The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.