That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
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I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*