Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
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Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.