her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
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Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
What a chick magnet..
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
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A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.