Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
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Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
honestly, i need both:
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Sex so good you see dead people.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
So, can we agree on 4 or
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.