me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
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Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.