‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
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“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?