Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
You Might Also Like
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.