Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
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I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Midwest trash talk
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator