Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
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What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Once again not all heroes wear capes
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!