Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
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Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta