the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
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a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
If looks could kill
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.